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[13 Oct 2008|05:17am] |
I am vaguely amazed that I wrote that note eleven months ago, to the date. I am also vaguely amazed that I stuck it up on the facebook where it attracted alot of attention and made some people rather alarmed. Mm I shouldn't have done that but at the time, I didn't really understand how much of a phenomenon that social networking site was becoming. I didn't understand the internet at all actually, until I sat down in class one day and really thought about it. And discovered that its kinda weird and strange and that I could spend my whole life talking about it.
I remember feeling that way. I remember feeling very bitter and confused and sad and cold, writing that. I don't write very often.
But I also remember crying when they pushed the casket that contained my grandfather's body into the furnace. For a while I cried whenever I conjured the image. Now I suppose it has faded into a feeling of not having seen someone for a long, long time. The usual way a person feels after a loved one dies, I would guess. But that has been my experience so far. It has been twelve years, three days and counting.
Its taken me not too long I hope, to see how much feelings can change. I remember the way I used to think, feel, act when I was 15, 17, 19. I think I can say why I was the way I was, but not account for all of it. I was arrogant, more than I am now and annoying to the extreme sometimes. But I'd like to think I've kept a good few friends over the years.
I keep using the words 'I remember', I know it makes me sound old. But you can be young and mull over past events too, its just that we don't do that too often. Yet at the same time I feel old because I am aware of my memories, and never thinking at the time that they'd become so treasured. I've changed more in the past year than I have in half my life. I use the words 'I remember' because the things that I want to remember suddenly seem damn important.
I remember the good bits of my life. The singing, the warm stolen afternoons, the new emotions. They're really important because they are special to me, and everyone needs these things so that we don't all go crazy. Its quite simple, but I had to go far away for university to figure it out.
I am grateful for having figured out alot of things here actually. I feel comfortable in my own skin now.
I don't write very often. When I write its usually because I am upset, because that's when words are worth putting down. I'm not upset now though, which is curious.
I would like to write more. I find that there are many interesting things on the internet to write about. Besides, the internet weblog is what I understand, rather than the etiquette of networking sites. I will find more time to write.
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[12 Sep 2008|02:38pm] |
I'm ok, all things considered.
Society issues aren't getting me down, I'm done and through with having to deal with any of that. I'm lucky to have nice people around.
Was poking around my archives the other day; I get the feeling that I was somehow much more interesting in the past? Or maybe its just a lack of posts now, that makes comparison a bit wonky.
I love that I found delicious.com! I am a bit of an internet pack rat, but instead of storing links in my browser everything gets uploaded onto the site. 89 links at the last count, and I've only had it for 2 months or so. Is brilliant, since I always get annoyed when reformatting my laptop wipes out bookmarks.
In other news, the postmodernism unit is Getting Me Down. I don't know why I made the very unsound choice of reading Trainspotting and Fight Club in three days. When I finished the latter at 2 in the morning I couldn't get to sleep. Talk about overdose. Now, light reading means short stories, exploring various ideas like male pregnancy or a sympathetic incestuous relationship (Octavia E. Butler). It isn't as bad as it sounds, mostly because she's a great writer.
I have a flight back in the first week of December, so I'll be seeing you soon :)
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[09 Aug 2008|01:37am] |
Aaaaarrrrgghhh! Why are you such a fuckwit! I give you something to do means you don't copy and paste and send it to someone else! How hard is it to rephrase me?! I am beginning to understand what people mean when they say that you gotta do everything yourself.
I am ok, but a bit stressed out. Cheered up by what I'm taking this semester, so cool. And I'll be back in December! Miss you LOTS Jenny Darling~!
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[18 Jun 2008|10:28pm] |
It seems that I don't actually write proper journal entries anymore. Well, even so. I couldn't resist snagging this off ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) adryenne
01) Bold what is true about you.
02) Underline what is half true.
03) Italicize what you wish was true about you.
04) Add one true thing about you to the end of the list.
05) Tag five LJ friends.
06) Ask me anything about the bold/italicized/underlined.
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[03 May 2008|01:58am] |
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The cold is setting in. I need one cream for my eczema, one for cold rash and one for general moisturising. The smell of cream has always reminded me of June holidays and waking up with blood under my nails. 6 doctors, that took. From then on I have always been resigned to having crap skin. It is worse here. Well, at least there isn't sports to sit out of anymore.
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[30 Mar 2008|12:26am] |
My mother, when she called that week, asked me if I was happy. If I was still punching walls or upset in any way.
I told her yes, I am. I look forward to going for classes (even the ones dominated by excitable American exchange students) and devour readings. I like to spend time eating ice cream in Newtown and having coffee on City Road, going to the zoo to oogle apathetic animals, sleepovers, bottles of wine, potlucks, wrapping up for cold weather, watching the leaves turn, walking through the city in the dark with him, adding to my bookshelf.
I told her I am happy.
Honest.
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[08 Mar 2008|06:51pm] |
Book meme!
Tagged by a Khayce.
1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.
Am reading Dreams of Speaking by Gail Jones for my lit class.
... families, tragically distinctive, but blendings of each, patched compositions. So it was between siblings, who moved in and out of contact, and parents and children, who shared immense histories, in which nothing was irrelevant, but learn and relearn, and then relearn again, how to get on in the demanding present.
(and the paragraph ends)
I tagg~
My sister
Bern
Alexial
Scha
Jenny
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[04 Mar 2008|09:52pm] |
Oh! You are talking about me here also? You who cannot even match my face to my name? I thought I had met many, but it seems that you are in vast supply!
Oh! You make me feel like a celebrity!
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[20 Feb 2008|01:47am] |
I am not dead yet! But been too busy (plus have temperamental laptop) to blog or even come online.
I am fine. My laptop is more or less ok too. Its a bit like having to deal with a person, can't hit it, can't yell at it and needs constant love and attention. But less now, for the time being at least.
I was mighty glad to have Tor around for three weeks around Christmas. Now I like pretending that she doesn't live across several continents but rather an uncomfortably long train ride away. It makes me less sad, that way.
Christmas was both ok and an accident at the same time. We had turkey for the first time! No one knew how to carve it until my sister said that she'd seen a picture in the papers once. To go with the turkey my aunt had made paste from this nut thing, you could call it the Indonesian version of truffles. Usually its made into curry but she turned it into this wonderful smooth gravy to go with the turkey. And then we all fell ill. My dad threw up twice that day, my aunt got hospitalised and I thew up a day after. Apparently it was gastric something or other.
For those of you who didn't know, my sister has a cataract in her left eye. She is ok but it's bloody stupid to have a cataract operation at her age so she's going to wait til it gets bigger, say maybe at 40 or so. On the other hand, my mum is going to fix her right cataract in two months.
Eldred is back for Gerri's wedding. A tight fit, since he's leaving a day after the dinner (me too, for that matter). But it should be fine. In the meantime, I am learning life skills from this episode, like being able to tell what's none of my business.
I have been eating a lot of nice fu:d! Only fell ill once, thankyouverymuch. And why is it that all Chinese New Year goodies are heaty? Heaty as in, you will come down with sore throat and fever and all that. How you feel like eating too much chocolate. Or too much ba kwa (yes Jenny muchly thinking of you), or prawn rolls or love letters or that soft white cakey thing that crumbles and melts in your mouth. Well, on the other hand I think oranges rather offset that.
So I have finally got Matt on facebook. I have a picture of myself and Justin on my profile, so all his friends who poked around asked if he'd had plastic surgery. And to watch out because apparently me taking pictures with other guys I'm fond of and posting them is a bad thing? What rubbish.
So like that. I have read lots of books during this holiday. I think I might be overdosing on the military science fiction also. I am now sad that Starship Troopers was such an astoundingly awful movie.
Ok have to go eat dinner now.
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[01 Dec 2007|11:13pm] |
So I am back in Singapore. I quite like the weather actually, not having to carry a jacket around. I do still wear hats though, mostly because that's just fun really. On the other hand, I probably shouldn't have brought my jeans back. That is, all 5 pairs of them. Ah well, I'll just put them to good use.
When you live alone, it is the odd little things that suddenly become important. If an article of clothing is cheap and looks nice but too much trouble to wash, for instance. And timing your laundry and sleep patterns. Remembering to eat.
Now that I'm back with my parents, I really appreciate the washing machine, floors that are not carpeted, tv that has more than 4 channels and unlimited broadband. Oh and don't forget the food. Food makes me unreasonably happy.
I have to stop to consider bus routes now, since I can't quite remember what goes where so well anymore. And also have to remind myself that my parents have to pay for electricity. Having a metal key to open the main door is so satisfying somehow?
The independence is missed though. Even if I did have a good few hours out with old friends Friday night, coming home to people who are not also students somehow doesn't sit well. But it was a damn good evening, sitting on the floor of her bedroom and being so utterly frank with each other. We can't have a conversation like that with many other people. We'd get stared at, for one. Or smacked.
HAHahahaaaaa I'm having pepper crab for dinner tonight~!! Fat Sri Lankan crabs ahahahahahhahaaaaaa~~~!!!
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[14 Nov 2007|11:49pm] |
I stole this from adryenne:
If you had me locked up in your room for twenty-four hours and we could do whatever you wanted, what would you do with me?
Tell me, then repost this in your own journal.
You might be surprised with the responses you get.
They could make you laugh or even smile.
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[13 Nov 2007|04:55am] |
I be bored also. This is the meme that's been going around, gacked off darkyo.
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[07 Nov 2007|05:53pm] |
Spring is strange. There are some days when it is nearly as warm as Singapore yet there are bouts of cold too. I've had to take out my winter gear (see: hats scarves gloves). I've caught myself doing what I used to think of as an odd thing to do, when my sister came home after her first semester; stick my arm out the window to check the temperature and therefore decide what's appropriate to wear.
I haven't actually seen anyone else do it though. Erm.
This is some braincrap that manifests as such, when I was early for anthropology lecture some time ago. Warning, it be mushy. I put it here sort of as a form of record keeping thing.
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[06 Oct 2007|10:52pm] |
Just spent the last week churning out two essays, essentially about how stupid people in the world are.
The weekend spent in his lap, humming along, having wine and munching on cookies.
I very much like being an undergrad here.
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[25 Sep 2007|09:54pm] |
Why is it now I feel like I have lost my ability to communicate effectively? Why is it so much more difficult to put abstract thoughts into words, now? It feels like the part of my brain that is committed to that just wandered off. But the thoughts are still rattling in my head, why is that?
Or maybe I never really had to explain things I have always taken for granted. It's not quite like having been thrown into the deep end, but rather... that I'm lost perhaps, in a place or without my gear.
I could use a bit of help. But that would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?
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[05 Sep 2007|09:31pm] |
Hello.
I should be okay. I am feeling much better now. I would like to think that everyone has their little moments, where they want to write something like that out of frustration. No, there is no one trying to hurt me, except maybe myself, in which case it doesn't quite count.
Thank you the people on MSN who have prodded me. You know who you are.
----
I thought I wore my heart on my sleeve, apparently not. I thought I let people in easily, apparently I don't. I thought I would fall in love easily, and yet I don't even know what love is. And all of this, I had to find out by way of someone I've known for half a semester.
And along come my friends who say, well yes, that's what you've been all along, really. I have such a dismal sense of self awareness. I'm not even sure if I know myself, who am I and who is Other People.
Things about yourself that you have always taken for granted. And one day you find out that you've been fooling only yourself. And doing a damn fine job at that.
And last week we started philosophy lectures on existentialism. I so win at life.
He goes by the name of Matthew. I have shocked myself by choosing to spend time with him rather than WoW. I am thinking maybe this might mean that I like him more than I am aware of.
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[04 Sep 2007|01:02am] |
Why are you? She can feel you. She can hear you laughing. But yet you keep drawing her in and in and there is blood everywhere.
You tempted her and she stupidly, fell for it. She stupidly followed. Now she is lost in a hall of mirrors. She is trying to find the set of doors, if there are any. She does not know what to do when she gets there. She will smash the mirrors soon.
She cannot breathe or think or feel. She cannot be.
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[13 Aug 2007|12:36am] |
I can see into my neighbour's rooms from my window. There is this particular person who has a bed sheet that looks remarkably like Toria's yellow, tea for two bolster case, the one that she's so fond of.
There is another person, a girl I believe, who is drying a bouquet of flowers on her windowsill. I wonder how she got them, then again, if she weren't happy with them she's probably have thrown them out. So it's sweet anyway. Sweet like how this other guy has his girlfriend over every so often, to see her leaning on him and giggling while pointing at his computer screen makes me smile too.
I see people in the meeting room opposite at all hours of the day. It makes me feel much better when I sit at my desk and do my work. But hey, I do have friends ok. Speaking of which-
This chap who lives down the corridor from me is sort of half kind of courting me. Then my friend (who is also, sort of kind of half courting me) bangs on his door and greets him with how are you and how is Grace? while I am standing there peering around his arm. Amazing how Aladdin's expression can change so fast. No, Aladdin isn't an euphemism for anything, it's his real name, which is exotic even if he is middle eastern.
They continue to joke for a while (I'll beat you up! Oh yeah? How much can you bench? 76! Holy sheet I can only do 72.) When we get into the elevator I ask what makes you say he's chasing me, since he's got a girlfriend. My friend looks at me like I'm completely stupid and says, I've known him a year, he's that kind of guy.
Erm, I don't completely understand this whole thing either. But I won't rush into anything and I promise not to break my new toys.
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[09 Aug 2007|04:38pm] |
Be Nice? I didn't even realise I'd burst out laughing til I'd fallen over my chair. I never realised I'm broken, til I typed it out. Sure, I'll be nice. Enough.
I really like the culture of drinking here. Get invited for dinner, bring a couple bottles of wine. And no matter what, it will be good wine.
Off to dinner. /wave
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